Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
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I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech