I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
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I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
LOL
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”