[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]