If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house