Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Huge, if true.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone