Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
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American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.