May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
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Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
But that’s none of my business
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I need to update my racial profile.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Name another movie that mislead you?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute