Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
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[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.