(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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I know a bad idea when I see one.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river