i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.