I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Science memes
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Warm pools make me nervous.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
They’re the worst 😩
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer