My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
🤣🤣🤣
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I’m awake but I object,
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Europe. Made in Germany.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.