If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
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3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
When you’re Kinky but poor
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Extremely relatable.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”