I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
You Might Also Like
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.