I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok