[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*