Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
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Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.