If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
You Might Also Like
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Don’t tell me what to do
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.