I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
You Might Also Like
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.