Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
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the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Nomnomnomnom
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….