it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
You sure about that?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?