When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
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The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.