I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
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Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
smartest karate player in the world
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”