Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
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How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.