I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
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Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.