I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
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What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.