Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
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[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I need better friends
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.