If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
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some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)