My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
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I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
*pronounces fake like saké*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I’m not proud
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
thinking about a very short hotdog
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment