Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
j o i m p
they finally got him. they got macavity
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!