It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
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The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.