The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
You Might Also Like
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
when someone rings the doorbell
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…