Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.