No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
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My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?