9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
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the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?