It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
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Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit