What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
You Might Also Like
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
#Caturday
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
be careful
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?