Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!