If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
he’s doing your taxes
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out