the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
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this is literally a CIA plant
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
But I really needed water water water
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
“our sushi is very fresh”
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …