[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
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“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
President The Rock Obama
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Meow
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space