Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up