My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice