If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
SPLOOT
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
the #horror is real!
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line