Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Stop sending me this shit.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second