[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My safe word is Worcestershire
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review