How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
You Might Also Like
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Hell yeah 👍
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.