Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.