Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Why does laundry happen to good people?
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
still the best tweet of the year by far
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
im 7 sauces long
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss