therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
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My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Things will get butter, keep churning
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.